So I was reading about a favorite actor of mine today how he's been badgered about his relationships. Everyone wants to know if he's straight or gay, and he says he's only been with women but is open to love of all kinds, however, he was very badly sexually abused as a child, so has trouble with relationships in general.
Now for those who don't know anyone who's been abused, or who have not been abused themselves, it's hard to fathom what that means. For me it's a very sensitive matter. I've been there, done that. Still haven't "healed" but really what does that mean?
I think for those of us who were abused, healing is finding someone who accepts us even when we can't accept us. Now don't go thinking that we are thinking it was our fault, I hear that all the time "but it wasn't your fault." No it wasn't my fault, but that doesn't stop us from seeing ourselves different, tarnished, undesirable. Even this very attractive actor who has dated some of hollywood's most beautiful people.
Why do a lot of the people who were abused end up alone? Fear. Trusting someone again after something like that has happened is so hard. Almost impossible unless you have someone with endless patience and understanding. And let's face it, the world is filled with very self-absorbed people who don't have time for other people who may not be perfect.
I wish there were more highlights on the victims recovery, or how hard it was to recover from something like this. We had the whole Penn State scandal and I think scandal... hmm... tragedy really. So many of these people who will never have normal lives. They might try, they may fake it, they may be really good at faking it, but really it never goes away.
I think a lot of people don't think of it the right way. Sexual abuse is rape, often continual rape. One rape is bad enough, think of it happening over and over for years. It's unfathomable.
There's just not enough protection for children, education for parents, people listening to teachers. My parents ignored all the signs. Even now my dad denies it was possible, my mom shrugs it off, as oh well, poor you.
I'm almost 35, and single, probably will be for the rest of my life. Relationships don't last long because I find it hard to trust. I'm socially awkward because I almost feel like people can see. Somehow they all know that I was abused, probably comes out in my personality. I don't know, but it does make me pull away. I'm sensitive to other people when they are very outgoing because they are aggressive, and for me aggressive people mean abusers, that's how my abuser was.
I have written my main character Seiran in the image of the sort of emotional struggle that I've had. Though there are two ways people go from sexual abuse as a child, either they become highly sexually active, finding it's the only thing that gives them value, or they pull away completely from society. Sei threw himself into sex. As a character he is growing, but no he will never be healed from the abuse. It just doesn't happen. He has Gabe who is extremely understanding, he's seen this sort of thing before, though never been so close. But I think to come out and say that Seiran will never fear for his relationship, or be one hundred percent secure in it, would be very unrealistic.
Even for those of you who had a normal childhood, who didn't have someone touch you and make you think you were a toy, you still have doubts, even in the greatest of relationships it's not all rainbows and sunshine. That's why I write that way. That's why my stuff has angst. The characters are fucked up, cause that's what's real. We're all fucked up. Some of us just a little more than others.
Be sure to watch for the signs in people you know and love. And check out Rainn.org for help.http://www.rainn.org/ or http://www.childhelp.org/
And on a side note this is not call for sympathy, this is a call for awareness. Watch the kids around you, they give signs long before we will ever speak! 90% of those abused, know their abuser.
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